10 LINES TO GET REPUBLICAN GALS -- LIKE ANN COULTER -- INTO BED

THE RESULTS of an exciting new survey reveal the 10 best opening lines most effective in convincing a Republican woman to offer a man a night of bed-pounding, backscratching, hot monkey love! The survey appears in Political Psychology Today magazine, and was led by Dr. Jedediah Leland. "In addition to the opening lines, we discovered a number of surprising insights," reveals Dr. Leland. "For instance, three times as many Democrat men as Republicans want to sleep with Republican women. "When we asked them why, the Democrats responded that they had a strong urge to do to these women what the Republican party is doing to the country." Here are the survey's 10 best opening lines to get Republican women in bed: 1 You know, in this light you look like you could be Laura Bush's younger, more desirable sister. 2 Sorry if I seem aggravated -- I'm still upset about that world-class jerk, Michael Moore. 3 Allow me to buy you a drink. After all, thanks to our beloved President, the economy has never been better! 4 I'd love to hang out with you, but I can't make it a late night -- I'm shipping out to Falluja in the morning. 5 The tattoo on my manhood spells "RAN." But when I get excited, it spells "REPUBLICAN." 6 To see you naked, I would turn in my own mother to the Department of Homeland Security. 7 If I had to choose between having a Republican President in the White House for the rest of this century, or never being able to see your cleavage again, I'd be stumped. 8 I'm all for No Child Left Behind. I'm even more for your child-like behind. 9 Just as the Republican Party boldly confronts big challenges, nothing would please me more than you confronting the big challenge rapidly growing right now in my pants. 10 Because of President Bush's leadership, we are strong; because of his vision, we will be even stronger; and because I can't stop thinking about your ass, I haven't been able to stand up for the last half hour.